I'm tired, but faith won’t let me quit!

The ending of 2022 got extremely dark for me. I was angry, I felt abandoned and isolated which is exactly what the enemy wants might I add, I felt depleted, and I just had so many questions. I literally didn't know what to do because I felt like I was literally drowning with no help near it seemed, but there was this little bit of faith that would rise up every time I wanted to quit. It was like reserved faith because I felt like I had nothing more to give. Here's a note that I actually wrote in my phone:

The last several weeks have been excruciatingly hard. The tears, the frustration, the anger, the disappointment, the questions. Another month, now another year of heartbreak with unanswered prayers. I’m tired of praying, tired of believing, tired of trusting, tired of fasting and praying, toiling, tired of declaring to no avail because I’ve ended up with nothing, but tears, empty arms, and an empty womb. Which feels humiliating might I add after publicly declaring my trust in a God who has not yet responded. I’ve put everything into believing God for the impossible, I’ve walked in it believing it was done yet here I am. After 12 night prayer, after receiving the word of the Lord, I told God that I don’t know where my faith would be this time around, yet another negative test and week of reminder with a menstrual cycle. It only takes faith the size of a mustard seed, oh it is your faith that will move mountains, yet this mountain and I stare each other down and I’m ready to tap out because it refuses to bow. So what faith? I thought I had God sized faith, bigger than what the Word says I even needed, yet I stand here feeling abandoned by the faith that I’ve held onto for years. I feel like I have nothing more to give, but the crazy thing is that this faith is so imbedded in me that it won’t even let me quit even though I truly want to . Its what is keeping me anchored and lifting me from the sea of pain that seems to overtake me as I gasp for air. I have so many questions, has the Father forgotten me? Am I not worthy. The fruit of the womb is His reward, do I not deserve to be rewarded? In God’s timing they say. What does God say they ask. He says to be fruitful and to multiply, yet I’m feasting on withered limbs and leaves and memories of my child not making it from my womb into my arms. It’s Gods plan? How so if He said none shall be barren nor miscarry in the land. I just can’t seem to understand. When? Please tell me when this will be over! When will I be able to just hold you. I try so hard not to get mad, but I’m tired of always getting so sad. Sometimes, I just want to give up but my faith won’t let me quit. Faith says, “God said it, God promised! And He won’t lie” What I see and what God said doesn’t match yet.

Faith won’t let me quit though I get tired.

I get tired of waiting

Tired of breathing

Tired of hoping

Tired of believing

I mean I guess it gives me something to hold on to but at this point, all I really want is to hold you!

And even with all of these feelings inside, the worshipper with in me can only lift my hands because on Christ the solid Rock I stand. As I stand on the Rock, He regulates me and reminds me that I am His. God reminds me that He is with me, that He hears me, and He knows. He knows every feeling, every emotion, every thought. He reminds me that He is faithful to perform every word that He has spoken over me.

Guess what! The same way I was reminded, I want to remind you today that God is faithful to complete every word that He has spoken over YOU. Every emotion that you feel is absolutely valid, but I want to encourage you not to allow those feelings to overtake you. Don’t allow them to overwhelm you. On this fertility journey it can be easy to get pulled in and feel like you’re drowning under the weight/waves of infertility. That’s never a good feeling and it can be hard to pull yourself out. If you happen to find yourself there, don’t be afraid to let someone know or ask for help. If you aren’t there, but you’re still feeling overwhelmed by emotion, I encourage you to find a way to cope and center yourself. Coping skills are a great way to give you a boost, reduces symptoms of anxiety, depression, and stress, and helps improve your overall well-being.

For me, my coping skills are worship, journaling, and sometimes a form of art like painting. For you, it might be something a little different. Here are a few ways to cope:

Self-Soothing — soothe yourself with your 5 senses with things such as looking at paintings (sight), snuggling with a blanket or playing with a pet (touch), lighting a candle (smell), listening to music (sound), preparing/ordering your favorite meal (taste)

Awareness— becoming aware of what you’re feeling in the moment. Naming/expressing the emotion and charting or journaling them

Acceptance— radically accepting where you are rather than rejecting it, not being in denial. This doesn’t mean coming into agreement with infertility, rather understanding where you are in the moment to understand where you desire to be. Accepting God’s truth over your current emotion. Meditate on the Word of God and affirmations.

Journaling— reminding yourself of the good and positive things in life by writing 5 things you are proud of, gratitude journal, changing negative to positive beliefs, things like, your strengths, your values, your goals, your accomplishments.

Distractions/Sensations— engaging in activities that are relaxing and pleasurable , distress tolerance skills with things like splashing cold water on your face, intense exercise, reading, meeting with friends, etc.

These are all great ways to cope on the hard days, even on easier days. This is just a small list of ideas to inspire you with coping skills. There are plenty of other ways that you can cope that are unique and helpful to you and your needs.

If you need the extra support as you’re on your journey, as a fertility doula, there are multiple ways that I can support you. Feel free to contact me for further information or book a consultation today.

https://calendly.com/nourishthyseedservices/doulaconsultation

Until next time.

With so much love,